As with all initiations, Death and Life are the great teachers. Death is ready to strike, and if we are full of awareness, then the mystery of life will open up to us. In my case a deep inner warm flame moved into my consciousness at around age six. Post war Germany.
It happened on one of our rare Sunday afternoon outings. The whole family in the old Opel, me sitting in the back with my siblings – right behind my father at the steering wheel – as always making sure I was taking the opportunity to learn how to drive, emulating his moves of shifting gears, and paying attention to the road, leaning into curves. In just one of those curves, descending down toward a small underpass, I am suddenly propelled into hyper awareness. A split second before our car is about to enter the tunnel, a massive MILITARY TANK emerges out of the dark – like in a dream. Racing towards us with enormous speed, the huge STEEL TRACK PLATES ready to crush our tiny vehicle and flatten us dead into the narrow country road. All happening in slow motion.
Violently Papa yanks the car to the right through a ditch and up into the bank off the road, the car now tilting precariously on the hill, ready to tumble over. Through our open windows, I recall hearing the roaring growl of the Panzer, loud blaring music and the American soldier’s voices drunkenly bawling, fading into the distance…. Then silence, stillness – a balmy summer afternoon – the intimacy of family packed in the car. And in me the peculiar sensation of a tree growing, from my belly right through my heart, into my throat, and there it blooms into the taste of how much I love my father, my mother, my younger brother and sister – we are all still alive, barely breathing. And the huge presence of Caring and Loving is upon me, beautiful, foreboding, all embracing, and utterly beyond my control. I never told this to anyone, kept it my secret.
Seeing Papa’s hands – still on the wheel – visibly shaking, I sense our family as one body, trembling. Then slowly coming back to life from a total freeze. I don’t remember who was the first to speak: “They would have crushed us to death!” Fear, fury, terror and love all mingling in our voices and hearts. My young child self knows this is not right. If not for my father’s quick reaction, our whole family would be dead. In those days tank accidents often killed people when the “Amerikaner” – as we called them – were going on their drunken joy rides. On weekends airplanes used to crash into villages, killing inhabitants. I am talking 1959.
There is a historical context to this story, which I will write about some other time. (From a very early age, my parents made us children understand that our country had committed horrific crimes and that the punishment of occupation, division into East and West Germany, and much more, was necessary.)
This afternoon, as I am recalling the incident from 62 years ago, a sweet taste arises in my mouth. The sun is about to set. I am struck that this tree growing inside of me – the deep inner warm flame – was and is the Tree of Life and Caring, and how I kept it near and dear all my life. And how at my age now, the story finally can be shared….
appreciate you sharing this intimate story. your telling of it reveals many layers of a time & experience so distinct & nuanced. terrifying to go through that at such a young age and with your *whole* family. grateful for the seeds of wisdom that come from this memory.
ReplyDeleteWhat a powerful and profound story. The attention and awareness to your experience that you allow to unfold and ripen is very moving to me. You tell this story so beautifully that I feel that I can sense the young girl's innocence and aliveness - and I take it as a lesson for all of us in the face of life and death. The image of the Tree of Life and Caring has lodged in me. Thank you.
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